then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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