I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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