Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
