That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
