we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize