i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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