had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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