I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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