whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want her autograph on my taint
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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