I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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