see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
