So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
