If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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