Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he thought i was a dude.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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