Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
