Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
