I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
