I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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