You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
