i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
