they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
