theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
