So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
