i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
