Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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