You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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