he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
