I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sorry my hands just texted you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
