I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
worst night to have a conscience
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
