She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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