hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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