I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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