Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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