'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
