I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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