Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
