Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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