Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
