my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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