All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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