You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
