I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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