Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
