Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
