life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
