turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
