I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
