If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
