so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
