Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
