Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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