Texts From Last Night · annnn16's Favorites

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annnn16's Favorites Texts:

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(647): View more from Ontario

He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(631): View more from New York

did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Found your dick twin last night

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(319): View more from Iowa

Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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(614): View more from Ohio

just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(916): View more from California

You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(845): View more from New York

I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(713): View more from Texas

Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(+61): View more from Australia

How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Parents weekend was a success.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...

(804): View more from Virginia

Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?

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(831): View more from California

There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(941): View more from Florida

Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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(858): View more from California

currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

SMART GIRL

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(573): View more from Missouri

welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(206): View more from Washington

Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka

(816): View more from Missouri

You're so demanding.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(207): View more from Maine

We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

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(310): View more from California

Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!

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(443): View more from Maryland

Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?

(1-443): View more from Maryland

A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession

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(540): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

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(305): View more from Florida

my head looks like a cockatoo

(1-305): View more from Florida

mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.

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(561): View more from Florida

So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(970): View more from Colorado

The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(614): View more from Ohio

It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming

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(708): View more from Illinois

seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!

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(714): View more from California

I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(906): View more from Michigan

You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"

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(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

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(469): View more from Texas

FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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