Texts From Last Night · ducttape

Sorry GoldenCyn hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ducttape_'s Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

Fav 19 5187 1183
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...

Fav 11 1769 1030
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

Fav 20 5367 2448
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

Fav 84 23166 1466
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

Fav 22 8445 1775
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

Fav 17 2702 1417
share tweet

(909): View more from California

Every concussion has its silver lining

Fav 8 1201 981
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw

Fav 5 1391 1383
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

Fav 15 5181 1159
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

Fav 12 3424 1002
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

Fav 8 3156 1033
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

Fav 9 3630 988
share tweet

(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

Fav 3 3516 1048
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

Fav 10 2943 980
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

Fav 15 2025 902
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

Fav 7 2960 992
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you

(571): View more from Virginia

Bonus points are bonus points regardless

Fav 10 1353 1327
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

Fav 11 2725 989
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

Fav 16 3526 851
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

Fav 5 3217 922
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

Fav 14 2089 1121
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2900 1218
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

Fav 7 2494 987
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

Fav 21 1097 3270
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

Fav 12 2493 979
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.

Fav 10 1703 1082
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4375 1271
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

Fav 13 5517 1062
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

Fav 19 1372 2543
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

Fav 18 4543 1170
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

Fav 7 2939 1219
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

Fav 5 1366 1110
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

Fav 12 2820 927
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

Fav 9 2631 917
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

Fav 14 1574 2205
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.

Fav 3 1037 1628
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

Fav 10 1623 2809
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

Fav 35 1598 3648
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

Fav 18 1876 2563
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

Fav 23 1331 2456
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

Fav 6 2662 1026
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever

Fav 11 846 3334
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

Fav 6 2437 964
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

Fav 18 3108 1311
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

Fav 5 2868 853
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

Fav 24 4254 1296
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

Fav 9 2601 1346
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

Fav 14 2617 1005
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

Fav 16 875 2519
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

Fav 45 2014 5776
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

Fav 2 1943 1528
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

Fav 20 3846 1055
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

Fav 5 2182 1675
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

Fav 6 2457 818
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

Fav 5 2037 997
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

Fav 18 1748 3127
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

Fav 15 4257 1165
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

Fav 13 3649 1117
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

Fav 13 4974 1198
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

Fav 7 1957 952
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina

(804): View more from Virginia

not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote

Fav 33 1284 4423
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

Fav 35 14334 1531
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

Fav 21 3089 1313
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5391 1675
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

Fav 26 2356 3204
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15541 2219
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

this is something i pride myself on being below average for

Fav 7 2764 1511
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

there were more penises there than on chat roulette

Fav 22 1456 3687
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

Fav 23 1272 3507
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

Fav 11 2762 1228
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

Fav 29 3322 1181
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

Fav 15 3151 1004
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

Fav 89 14467 1616
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

Fav 14 6339 1460
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

Fav 52 8983 1620
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

Fav 14 3621 1739
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

Fav 19 3589 1122
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

Fav 4 3197 859
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day

Fav 4 2087 824
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

Fav 10 6220 1210
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

Fav 14 4896 1160
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class

Fav 26 4874 1245
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7696 1376
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

Fav 4 1903 1439
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

Fav 26 4520 1346
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still banned from the library?

Fav 12 2679 983
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8867 1749
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

Fav 16 1192 3978
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

Fav 20 2598 4897
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

Fav 7 4029 1911
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

Fav 13 6805 1586
share tweet
(909): View more from California

he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.

Fav 6 2030 1042
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1465
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

Fav 12 3867 1578
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

Fav 4 3527 1030
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

Fav 4 3451 1019
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

Fav 37 23138 2050
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

Fav 47 1413 6964
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

Fav 9 2958 962
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

Fav 36 7108 2796
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

Fav 37 7759 1911
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

Fav 30 3947 1571
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

Fav 27 6406 1355
share tweet
(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

Fav 22 4674 1383
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

Fav 19 1686 974
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

Fav 12 3018 1413
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

her vagine was all disorganized.

Fav 5 890 1535
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...

Fav 17 981 8388
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

Fav 17 4301 970
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

Fav 11 4022 1402
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9034 5323
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

Fav 49 7360 1180
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

Fav 5 2928 1106
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

Fav 4 2321 1067
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

Fav 21 3288 1629
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

Fav 11 1723 1020
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

Fav 12 4566 1150
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

Fav 24 5503 1301
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best

Fav 13 1150 2463
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

Fav 15 8246 1440
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31567 1783
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39786 2523
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173860 44315
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

Fav 23 12229 1869
share tweet