Texts From Last Night · pandarape's Favorites

Sorry iflatford hasn't picked any favorites yet.

pandarape's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

Fav 15 3909 1236
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

Fav 24 7452 2457
share tweet

(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

Fav 12 4432 1485
share tweet
(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

Fav 30 12341 1703
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

Fav 17 8417 2372
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

Fav 103 3514 12852
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

Fav 26 8478 1779
share tweet

(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

Fav 8 1845 4769
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

Fav 30 7829 3210
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

Fav 17 4073 1879
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

Fav 37 1681 5165
share tweet

(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

Fav 19 1747 4688
share tweet

(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

Fav 18 6639 1706
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet

(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

Fav 31 12001 1614
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

Fav 25 8214 1430
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

Fav 22 6081 2578
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1844
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

Fav 19 5937 1616
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

Fav 13 6735 1489
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

Fav 38 2881 8146
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

Fav 22 4580 2600
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

Fav 15 4995 1450
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11576 1759
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

Fav 11 5698 1550
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

Fav 13 4206 1460
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

Fav 30 6732 1419
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

Fav 13 6319 1462
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

Fav 54 2467 6780
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

Fav 27 1850 5609
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8243 1767
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

Fav 48 6793 2266
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

Fav 32 2457 6862
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

Fav 21 6048 1562
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

Fav 6 5897 1338
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

Fav 98 8302 1386
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

Fav 97 2038 8024
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

Fav 26 10465 1700
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans

Fav 36 1015 2259
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

Fav 34 9503 1138
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

Fav 40 2073 6139
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

Fav 8 3458 998
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

Fav 15 5983 1369
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

Fav 13 6157 1531
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me

Fav 11 825 2332
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

Fav 50 958 4986
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

Fav 26 4490 2336
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17724 1661
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

Fav 28 6200 1319
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11140 3717
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I haven't been laid since Bush was president.

Fav 33 790 3107
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

Fav 9 1386 1447
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

Fav 50 1569 3091
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

Fav 31 3481 1644
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

Fav 57 3541 5667
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car

Fav 27 1618 5984
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Man I wish I had been there

(314): View more from Missouri

Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.

Fav 11 3055 909
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I wanna passion pit in your ass

Fav 27 959 2022
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.

Fav 21 4654 1451
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

Fav 24 1495 7570
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

Fav 52 5185 1505
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

Fav 40 3430 1053
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

Fav 29 9117 1317
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.

Fav 17 1094 9134
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.

Fav 22 1685 4612
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

Fav 21 2160 6800
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

Fav 17 5332 1384
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

Fav 29 9414 2387
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

Fav 36 6673 2788
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

Fav 4 1883 695
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.

Fav 6 930 2024
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9681
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

Fav 34 2729 3146
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

Fav 23 12179 1428
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

Fav 89 9575 2016
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

Fav 36 7474 1736
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

Fav 144 1488 6938
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whats up?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down

(847): View more from Illinois

Stay up. I'm coming home in a little

(402): View more from Nebraska

Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you

Fav 2 2703 1144
share tweet
(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

Fav 43 1987 6032
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You better have your party panties on Saturday!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Why only Saturday?

(205): View more from Alabama

Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

Fav 26 4483 1320
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

Fav 20 2352 3793
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

Fav 15 7295 975
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1530
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21756 1484
share tweet
(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

Fav 43 9165 1788
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

Fav 26 9532 1651
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

Fav 174 6608 3478
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

Fav 17 5721 1474
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

Fav 52 1443 4421
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29367 1552
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night

Fav 4 1463 4050
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.

Fav 11 3853 1078
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

Fav 46 4821 1486
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

Fav 11 1194 4531
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.

Fav 14 4632 1744
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33065 3529
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

Fav 37 1840 9150
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

Fav 33 8279 999
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets

Fav 6 2849 980
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

Fav 29 1868 2237
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

Fav 5 1897 1137
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.

Fav 20 2526 948
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs

Fav 18 2934 806
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

Fav 357 1147 8372
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

Fav 152 1078 3763
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis

Fav 18 3468 1161
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

Fav 4 1414 1367
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

Fav 29 5775 1049
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

Fav 27 6776 1142
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

Fav 7 4997 1260
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

Fav 12 2757 3523
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

Fav 125 2209 24450
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

Fav 24 5163 984
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.

Fav 13 2180 2979
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

Fav 122 2028 46492
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33672 2308
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

Fav 58 1592 13527
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends

Fav 35 1814 4904
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

Fav 69 2669 5468
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

Fav 44 8891 1043
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.

Fav 41 1525 4619
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

Fav 67 12420 1587
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

Fav 30 8323 1680
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

Fav 27 5392 1450
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

Fav 50 2315 11480
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8122 4287
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

Fav 63 1489 7930
share tweet