Texts From Last Night · stan_mcginnis's Favorites

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(917): View more from New York City

so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go

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(802): View more from Vermont

Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year

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(310): View more from California

I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob

(310): View more from California

That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.

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(386): View more from Florida

My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.

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(206): View more from Washington

Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.

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(937): View more from Ohio

That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

You schedule blowjobs?

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(801): View more from Utah

This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?

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(314): View more from Missouri

He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You could paint cock rings as wreaths.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.

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(212): View more from New York

Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!

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(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0

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(801): View more from Utah

I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators

(1-607): View more from New York

Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(

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(716): View more from New York

He finger blasted me like an angel dude

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.

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(518): View more from New York

However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows

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(540): View more from Virginia

Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?

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(216): View more from Ohio

That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..

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(812): View more from Indiana

Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sense lesbianism

(703): View more from Virginia

That's a weird power

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.

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(585): View more from New York

DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER

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(505): View more from New Mexico

If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.

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(406): View more from Montana

Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.

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(718): View more from New York

Don't mention it

(718): View more from New York

Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn

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(269): View more from Michigan

I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely

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(909): View more from California

we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.

Fav 5 444 190
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(406): View more from Montana

I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?

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(584): View more from

STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!

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(260): View more from Indiana

My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife

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(941): View more from Florida

I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.

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(619): View more from California

Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.

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(210): View more from Texas

your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.

Fav 5 411 156
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(320): View more from Minnesota

There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.

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(713): View more from Texas

I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least

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(409): View more from Texas

She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.

(337): View more from Louisiana

I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.

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(206): View more from Washington

My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete

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(817): View more from Texas

Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me

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(305): View more from Florida

Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick

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(217): View more from Illinois

I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.

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(+33): View more from France

I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

Why haven't you proposed already?

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(813): View more from Florida

Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina

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(415): View more from California

he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy

Fav 1 430 259
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(818): View more from California

Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.

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(713): View more from Texas

It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.

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(404): View more from Georgia

In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.

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(626): View more from California

For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.

(818): View more from California

I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.

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(561): View more from Florida

I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Oh man

(248): View more from Michigan

I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night

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(613): View more from Ontario

Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad

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(253): View more from Washington

Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?

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(513): View more from Ohio

A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?

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(813): View more from Florida

He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"

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(313): View more from Michigan

It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds

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(409): View more from Texas

That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment

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(806): View more from Texas

Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.

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(716): View more from New York

He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions

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(705): View more from Ontario

Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"

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(685): View more from

We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.

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(256): View more from Alabama

If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..

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(941): View more from Florida

Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...

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(216): View more from Ohio

I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it

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(740): View more from Ohio

Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo

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(847): View more from Illinois

This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.

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(818): View more from California

my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.

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(916): View more from California

The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"

(615): View more from Tennessee

Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.

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(407): View more from Florida

We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.

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(619): View more from California

You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?

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(540): View more from Virginia

NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD

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(505): View more from New Mexico

If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now

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(646): View more from New York

The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.

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(571): View more from Virginia

we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy

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(714): View more from California

Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power

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(214): View more from Texas

he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been

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(270): View more from Kentucky

She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary

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(785): View more from Kansas

She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.

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(813): View more from Florida

I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.

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(760): View more from California

I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!

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(+22): View more from

I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.

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(509): View more from Washington

he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.

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(716): View more from New York

When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...

(203): View more from Connecticut

LMAO

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(651): View more from Minnesota

this is an emotional support booty call

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(224): View more from Illinois

there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.

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(516): View more from New York

just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online

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(847): View more from Illinois

As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video

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(903): View more from Texas

The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..

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(765): View more from Indiana

The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...

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(214): View more from Texas

Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl

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(417): View more from Missouri

ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?

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(719): View more from Colorado

We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.

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(434): View more from Virginia

After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.

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(815): View more from Illinois

remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come

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(858): View more from California

I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents

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(716): View more from New York

Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.

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(646): View more from New York

I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.

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(209): View more from California

I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on

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(813): View more from Florida

Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?

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(630): View more from Illinois

My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions

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(847): View more from Illinois

His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob

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(239): View more from Florida

On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?

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(607): View more from New York

IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.

(1-607): View more from New York

You're such a supportive sister.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.

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(641): View more from Iowa

im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.

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(518): View more from New York

Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!

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(775): View more from Nevada

He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room

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(619): View more from California

When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter

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(630): View more from Illinois

In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.

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(530): View more from California

I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie

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(651): View more from Minnesota

They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i need some magic done to my vagina

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(404): View more from Georgia

I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair

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(646): View more from New York

you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.

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(516): View more from New York

My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix

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(248): View more from Michigan

Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?

(810): View more from Michigan

Yes. Highly encouraged though.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(

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(347): View more from New York

You blew him?!?!

(201): View more from New Jersey

*Am blowing

(201): View more from New Jersey

And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out

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(424): View more from California

i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(624): View more from

That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...

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(626): View more from California

we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night

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(971): View more from Oregon

In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night

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(815): View more from Illinois

best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE

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(408): View more from California

she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.

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(641): View more from Iowa

They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch

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(530): View more from California

My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again

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(406): View more from Montana

Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.

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(916): View more from California

I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back

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(248): View more from Michigan

idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password

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(323): View more from California

She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance

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(678): View more from Georgia

By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.

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(253): View more from Washington

The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen

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(513): View more from Ohio

You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated

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(347): View more from New York

I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.

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(903): View more from Texas

You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..

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(219): View more from Indiana

Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.

(407): View more from Florida

Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.

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(509): View more from Washington

Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..

(360): View more from Washington

Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.

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(516): View more from New York

ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok

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(810): View more from Michigan

He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu

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(563): View more from Iowa

P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut

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(310): View more from California

Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.

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(559): View more from California

I mean honestly, what would you have done?

(805): View more from California

Not screw her in the church house?

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(616): View more from Michigan

His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma

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(706): View more from Georgia

This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.

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