Texts From Last Night · whereiszack's Favorites

Sorry scarypanda67 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

whereiszack's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

Fav 9 1281 786
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

Fav 9 2460 830
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.

Fav 5 1180 582
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.

Fav 1 1161 581
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

Fav 8 1381 628
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly

Fav 12 1144 871
share tweet

(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

Fav 13 8839 1830
share tweet

(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

Fav 11 1837 829
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

Fav 3 1486 712
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face

Fav 6 721 1389
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

Fav 4 909 1327
share tweet

(843): View more from South Carolina

I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?

Fav 19 2629 1126
share tweet

(802): View more from Vermont

Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment

Fav 5 1594 616
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

Fav 9 2617 802
share tweet

(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

Fav 7 3337 1009
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.

Fav 5 1051 719
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

Fav 4 940 1814
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

Fav 7 827 1543
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

Fav 11 5337 1254
share tweet
(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

Fav 14 4451 1318
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.

Fav 11 3210 866
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

Fav 64 11222 2362
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

Fav 8 1800 985
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

Fav 7 2020 1117
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

Fav 16 4109 1064
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

Fav 13 3811 1080
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

Fav 8 2162 972
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8269 1528
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??

Fav 47 2327 3696
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

Fav 4 1973 1666
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

Fav 27 4742 880
share tweet
(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

Fav 13 2340 998
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass

Fav 8 2128 907
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8711 1719
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

Fav 13 4585 1213
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

Fav 15 2521 1205
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

Fav 15 6237 1017
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom

Fav 11 2921 1077
share tweet
(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

Fav 7 3592 1222
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.

Fav 32 974 2357
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

(586): View more from Michigan

2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

(586): View more from Michigan

3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

(586): View more from Michigan

So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

Fav 8 2008 697
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

Fav 1 1698 881
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Fav 23 5130 1211
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

Fav 2 1028 1453
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I love my bros weed

(650): View more from California

Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though

Fav 31 2685 1013
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

Fav 7 1390 1538
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

Fav 14 4428 1343
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

Fav 46 7132 1042
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

Fav 18 1695 1141
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

Fav 15 3472 1496
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

Fav 11 3136 1622
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

Fav 16 2180 2963
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

Fav 5 2147 1073
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

Fav 7 3369 1084
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

Fav 6 2955 1218
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

Fav 100 1422 22999
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

Fav 37 9234 1441
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19545 2392
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

Fav 21 7634 1611
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

Fav 98 1214 4227
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

Fav 14 3130 1358
share tweet
(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

Fav 91 4874 1611
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

Fav 9 1984 4888
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11790 1403
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

Fav 26 4253 1000
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

Fav 50 4984 1158
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

Fav 4 3693 1170
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6611 1403
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

Fav 5 4908 1088
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up

Fav 4 1849 808
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

Fav 40 5663 5472
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

Fav 25 10804 1999
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3554 4326
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39701 2416
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

Fav 14 6340 1462
share tweet
(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

Fav 16 4855 1772
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.

Fav 19 1505 3502
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

Fav 8 2041 938
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16897 1916
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

Fav 12 2292 5370
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6915 1409
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4565 1308
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

Fav 34 6812 1218
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53082 3395
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

Fav 62 8298 1644
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

Fav 4 3543 1110
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

Fav 19 4738 2230
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

Fav 4 4324 1727
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

Fav 8 3987 1207
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

Fav 17 12047 1496
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1598
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

Fav 7 3617 1434
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

Fav 11 4467 1899
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14683 1668
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

Fav 6 3438 1482
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

Fav 65 2346 16528
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.

Fav 8 3669 1055
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

Fav 41 11818 2671
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

Fav 42 9727 1486
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

Fav 67 2382 1032
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4489 1308
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

Fav 31 6438 1297
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Fav 28 7140 1237
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16511 1560
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25980 2506
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

Fav 20 8777 1414
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

Fav 16 4334 1532
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

Fav 6 3899 1262
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7270 3270
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9069 1496
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9449 1839
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

Fav 17 1089 5594
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

Fav 10 4095 1110
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11149 2458
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8662 2181
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

Fav 17 985 4217
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Fav 73 6706 3554
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

Fav 13 6222 1317
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

Fav 27 8573 1895
share tweet
(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

Fav 54 2394 5140
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8398 1572
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

Fav 21 7095 2675
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

Fav 17 5387 2295
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15149 3443
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11140 2015
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

Fav 63 3321 6540
share tweet
(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

Fav 63 8694 1106
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8459 1524
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

Fav 14 6672 1363
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26748 2048
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22474 3685
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

Fav 103 3515 12852
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

Fav 22 1485 4497
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16037 4498
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

oh that explains alot.

Fav 13 1315 4403
share tweet